This was the first picture I took outside the airport in Dublin. It was probably six in the morning and I was waiting for a bus to a place I couldn't pronounce. Oh, the places you'll go...I promise this picture will make more sense once you read on.
I'm actually starting to really love it. Being single. I was so scared all throughout college that I wasn't fitting in because I was a single Mormon woman who was probably going to end up graduating first (which is still true) and I wasn't going to drop out, or get an MRS degree, or have to take my baby to class with me.
But the truth is, even when I tried to convince myself that that was what I wanted, it really wasn't. The thought of a husband terrifies me. I'm not at the point in my life where I'm ready to share it, and I don't mean that in a vain way. There is some self-discovery that needs to be done before I can throw myself at another person and say "Love me forever!"
I need to get to the point where I love everything about myself--or as much as I can love (unfortunately I will be a judgmental person for the rest of my life. It's practically in my DNA). It's also really nice being single because I only have to worry about myself. Is that selfish? Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for the time in my life where I'll get to take care of a family and protect and provide a warm, happy, stable home for my kids (unless they're anything like my family growing up, in which case it will be a very loud home and the AC will be perpetually set at 72 degrees). But right now, it's so liberating knowing that I have a few months or years just to discover who I am and what I want to do. It will also allow me to travel, which is one of my current passions (I get an adrenaline rush when I plan trips. Is that weird?). I mean--I want to go to Africa, for goodness' sake! I never wanted to go to Africa before, but I want to go now!
I know that these are all things I can do with a spouse. It's just that a spouse generally leads to kids, and while that will be a very special experience, I'm not nearly ready for it. I feel like I'm still a kid, and I'm one of the most mature people I know. I look at all these 18-year-old, first semester freshman who are already engaged and not on birth control, and I just can't help but think that it's babies having babies. And I've never wanted that for myself. Some people might be ready for it at that age, but I certainly wasn't, and I'm still not.
The longer I write this, the more convinced I am that I'm being selfish. Someone will probably point out "Your poor husband, who you don't deserve, is waiting out there for you and you're going to make him wait even longer. What's wrong with you? How can you do that to him? Don't you care about anyone but yourself?" You know what, if someone said this to me, I would laugh in their face. It's a bad example because it's so high horse-esque. Moving on. What was I talking about again?
Being single feels nice, and it's been a while since I've felt comfortable with my situation in life. For so long I've labeled myself "single" and being single was something I was ashamed of. I started to wonder what was wrong with me and why guys didn't see me as a viable dating/marrying option.
I don't know where the change came from. I think it started when I lost my passport because I did something stupid (left my wallet on a shoe bench at a store which then got stolen) and was suddenly forced to be a grown adult in a terrifying new way, a way I couldn't even fathom before last September.
Let me tell you something--when you get on an international flight after days of crying and no sleep and constant worry and fear, stay awake on all eight hours of said flight, arrive in a city where, THANKFULLY, they speak English (even if it is super difficult to understand), at 4 in the morning, get picked up by an Irish Bishop's son, taken to a dingy hostel, exchange money at a terrible rate, and you both know it, walked the streets of Dublin looking for the right bus stop, get on a bus to a place where you can't even pronounce its name, get to another bus station where you think you're going to have to wait for two hours and think you'll never catch up with your tour group who are currently on the other side of the island trying to make their way to you, then a nice bus station manager takes pity on you and takes you to where you're trying to go (holla at Bruhn a Boine, which I spelled wrong), and you feel bone-crushing anxiety that you'll be stuck in Ireland with no money to buy a plane ticket home if you can't find your group, and then that same bone-crushing feeling comes when you spot Brother Merrill come around the corner trailing students but it's a feeling of relief?
When you get through this, you feel like you can do ANYTHING.
That is how I feel now. And its an intoxicating feeling. It's something I could've only done as a stupid, single person.
TGWLAE
P.S. Here's some pictures of my first day in Ireland for you to enjoy :)
But the truth is, even when I tried to convince myself that that was what I wanted, it really wasn't. The thought of a husband terrifies me. I'm not at the point in my life where I'm ready to share it, and I don't mean that in a vain way. There is some self-discovery that needs to be done before I can throw myself at another person and say "Love me forever!"
I need to get to the point where I love everything about myself--or as much as I can love (unfortunately I will be a judgmental person for the rest of my life. It's practically in my DNA). It's also really nice being single because I only have to worry about myself. Is that selfish? Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for the time in my life where I'll get to take care of a family and protect and provide a warm, happy, stable home for my kids (unless they're anything like my family growing up, in which case it will be a very loud home and the AC will be perpetually set at 72 degrees). But right now, it's so liberating knowing that I have a few months or years just to discover who I am and what I want to do. It will also allow me to travel, which is one of my current passions (I get an adrenaline rush when I plan trips. Is that weird?). I mean--I want to go to Africa, for goodness' sake! I never wanted to go to Africa before, but I want to go now!
I know that these are all things I can do with a spouse. It's just that a spouse generally leads to kids, and while that will be a very special experience, I'm not nearly ready for it. I feel like I'm still a kid, and I'm one of the most mature people I know. I look at all these 18-year-old, first semester freshman who are already engaged and not on birth control, and I just can't help but think that it's babies having babies. And I've never wanted that for myself. Some people might be ready for it at that age, but I certainly wasn't, and I'm still not.
The longer I write this, the more convinced I am that I'm being selfish. Someone will probably point out "Your poor husband, who you don't deserve, is waiting out there for you and you're going to make him wait even longer. What's wrong with you? How can you do that to him? Don't you care about anyone but yourself?" You know what, if someone said this to me, I would laugh in their face. It's a bad example because it's so high horse-esque. Moving on. What was I talking about again?
Being single feels nice, and it's been a while since I've felt comfortable with my situation in life. For so long I've labeled myself "single" and being single was something I was ashamed of. I started to wonder what was wrong with me and why guys didn't see me as a viable dating/marrying option.
I don't know where the change came from. I think it started when I lost my passport because I did something stupid (left my wallet on a shoe bench at a store which then got stolen) and was suddenly forced to be a grown adult in a terrifying new way, a way I couldn't even fathom before last September.
Let me tell you something--when you get on an international flight after days of crying and no sleep and constant worry and fear, stay awake on all eight hours of said flight, arrive in a city where, THANKFULLY, they speak English (even if it is super difficult to understand), at 4 in the morning, get picked up by an Irish Bishop's son, taken to a dingy hostel, exchange money at a terrible rate, and you both know it, walked the streets of Dublin looking for the right bus stop, get on a bus to a place where you can't even pronounce its name, get to another bus station where you think you're going to have to wait for two hours and think you'll never catch up with your tour group who are currently on the other side of the island trying to make their way to you, then a nice bus station manager takes pity on you and takes you to where you're trying to go (holla at Bruhn a Boine, which I spelled wrong), and you feel bone-crushing anxiety that you'll be stuck in Ireland with no money to buy a plane ticket home if you can't find your group, and then that same bone-crushing feeling comes when you spot Brother Merrill come around the corner trailing students but it's a feeling of relief?
When you get through this, you feel like you can do ANYTHING.
That is how I feel now. And its an intoxicating feeling. It's something I could've only done as a stupid, single person.
TGWLAE
P.S. Here's some pictures of my first day in Ireland for you to enjoy :)